How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary

Building Personal Relationships

• Never criticize, condemn or complain.
• Self-criticism is extremely rare. Your criticism won’t be welcome.
• Criticism makes others defensive and resentful.
• Positive Reinforcement works better.

• Become genuinely interested in other people.
• People are most interested in themselves.
• Remember people’s birthdays and other important details.

• Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
• Find the things that interest others and talk about those things.
• If you know nothing of their interests, ask intelligent questions.

• Be a good listener.
• Give your exclusive attention to others.
• Encourage others to talk about themselves. Ask pointed questions.

• Make the other person feel important.
• People deeply desire feeling important and appreciated.
• Praise others’ strengths and they’ll strive to reinforce your opinion.

• Use Names whenever possible.

• Smile.
• Greet others with smiles, enthusiasm and animation.
• Smiling comes through even when on the phone.

Selling your Ideas: Establish a Space for Cooperation

• Avoid arguments: you can only lose.
• Arguers will defend and embrace their previous positions.
• Even “winning” will hurt the loser’s pride and build resentment.
• A Guide to avoiding arguments:

  1. Welcome the disagreement. Be thankful for a new opinion.
  2. Keep calm.
  3. Listen first. Hear your opponents out.
  4. Look for areas of agreement.
  5. Admitting errors will make it easier for others to admit theirs.
  6. If no resolution is found, postpone action and promise to explore the opposing perspective.

• Begin in a friendly way.
• Open conversation with sincere praise, appreciation and sympathy.
• A friendly tone will allow others to broach discussions more openly.

• Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
• Eagerly listen to concerns to diffuse tension and build relationships.
• Others need to finish spilling their ideas before listening to you.

• Be sympathetic.
• Most people hunger for sympathy.
• Tell them: “I’d feel the same way under those circumstances.”

• Respect others’ opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
• People don’t like to admit they’re wrong and may take it personally.

• If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
• Demonstrate your willingness to rationally examine the facts.
• If another is about to criticize you, don’t let them start!
• A harsh self-rebuke may prompt the others to soften their critiques.
• Admitting errors clears guilt and allows quicker resolutions.

• Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
• Another’s perspective and motivation is the key to understanding their decisions, agenda and personality.

• Frame requests in terms of what motivates others.
• Ask yourself: “Why should someone want to do as I ask?”

  Selling your Ideas: Closing the Deal

• Get the other person saying "yes, yes" as soon as possible.
• Emphasize those things you agree on.
• Build momentum toward agreement.

• Dramatize your ideas.
• It helps to make a visual, visceral demonstration.

• Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
• People are more committed to their own ideas.
• Make suggestions and let others work out the conclusions.

• Appeal to the nobler motives.
• Appeal to ideals: a mother’s love, personal character, integrity, etc.

• Throw down a challenge.
• Stimulate competition among co-workers.
• Challenge someone’s capabilities/self-perceptions.

Leadership: Giving Criticism & Driving Improvement

• Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
• It is easier to hear criticism after we’ve heard some praise.
• Look for what was done well before calling attention to failings.

• Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
• The burden of criticism is easier to bear when shared.
• It’s motivating when another has overcome the same challenges.

• Call attention to people's errors indirectly.
• Direct, harsh criticism can destroy incentive to improve.
• Suggest alternatives: “How user-friendly will this feature will be?”
• Suggest that the idea isn’t flawed; it’s the environment or situation.

• Let the other person save face.
• Others will get defensive for fear of being embarrassed.
• Additionally, always try to give criticism in private.

• Make the fault seem easy to correct. Use encouragement.
• Make faults seem easy to correct or new tasks easy to learn.

• Praise the slightest improvement and every improvement.
• Praise reinforces the development of desired behavior.
• Make praise as specific as possible.

• Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
• Example: “You’re so capable, but your recent work isn’t up to your old standards.”
• Respecting others’ capabilities will empower them to succeed.

Leadership: Motivating Others

• Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
• Example: “Would it make sense to organize these alphabetically?”

• Try to make the other person happy about doing things you suggest.
• Make others feel too important for tasks you don’t want them to do.
• Give out titles and project authority: make others happy contributors

• Step by Step Guide:

  1. Be Sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver.
  2. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
  3. Be Empathetic. Ask yourself what the other person really wants.
  4. Focus on the benefits the other person will receive.
  5. Match those benefits to the other persons wants.
  6. Frame requests to convey the idea of the other’s personal benefit.